January 14, 2019

The Rabbit Hole.....

When I was diagnosed with recurrence of breast cancer, my mind was spinning and of course, started to go to examples of those patients that I have had as a breast cancer nurse who have not done well. Rochelle, one of the lovely doctors that I work with said to me "stop going down that rabbit hole". Well, her words have really helped me, but last weekend, I was deep in that rabbit hole and was paralyzed by the reality that I have breast cancer and could have the same outcome as some of these lovely ladies that I have cared for.
I am strong and am so thankful for my knowledge base as it has certainly helped me know what questions to ask and where to look for answers, but at the same time, it can be a double edge sword.
Last weekend was the first time that I had time to think and really allow the reality of what has happened sink in. I received word of my diagnosis of breast cancer on December 19th, There was no time for thinking or crying. I had to get ready for the holidays and make sure that life was normal. I had to get through all the testing and get all the answers. There was no time for crying or thinking. Well, let me tell you, It is important to allow those feelings to be felt, but we must then move on and not allow it to paralyze us.

When I was in that rabbit hole, my amazing husband let me stay there for a little while, but then helped me get out of it as did my loving friend Rochelle Strenger who is one of the doctors I work with. I message her and told her I was having a tough day and was in the rabbit hole. As my partner in treating our patient's, she did not need to say more than, "I know where your head is and get out of that rabbit hole, you are going to be OK".

Today, I am reassured. Yes, it sucks that I have metastatic breast cancer, and yes hearing those words associated with me is hard. I saw a specialist at Dana Farber today for a second opinion. Those words, "You are an oncology a nurse , you know that there is no cure for metastatic breast cancer, but there is treatment," were words of both despair and reassurance. I know that they can not offer me a cure, but she agreed with the plan from my local oncologist for treatment and gave me great hope for the future.
.
For now, we move ahead. We have confirmed that I am  pre-menopausal, so here come the hot flashes that everyone talks about. I will be starting Lupron injections every three months to push me into menopause. My poor husband may finally have to deal with a crazy menopausal woman.

For the cancer: some of you may have seen the pretty commercials of the grandmother who is lively playing with her grandchildren talking about IBRANCE + LETRAZOLE for metastatic breast cancer.!! Well, I will be that grandmother. I will also need to start  monthly infusions of Zometa to strengthen my bones.

This is a great option. It has been FDA approved for about 4 years. I follow my patients on this regimen and have ladies who are doing great on this at 2 years and the doctor at Dana Farber reassured me that she has women who are doing great on this at 4 years. OK, so that's good news and if it stops working? Well she gave me so many other great options that can be used at the time of progression including some clinical trials that are close to being approved and will surely prove to be great treatments if and when I need them. So, this is no different than any chronic disease!!!

This is a well tolerated treatment and I wont even loose my hair.....and for now I will not allow myself to go down the rabbit hole. I will be here to spend more years with my Love, watch my grandchildren grow and hopefully some day even see my son get married and have children of his own...The future is bright and I will push forward..... If I start to go down the rabbit hole, I know that I have a great group of family and friends who will drag me out of the hole and lift me back up.

So, my family and friends, remember, tomorrow is not promised to any of us so enjoy Life and eat that cake.
Idalina (Linda)